A Positive Spin….

I don’t know about you, but if I hear another detail about Tiger Woods’ or Jesse James’ extra marital activities, I might throw up. It really gets old.

Maybe it gets old so quickly because, it is everywhere and the statistics on infidelity are hard to ignore. According to the site Truth about Deception, it is estimated that roughly 30 to 60% of all married individuals (in the United States) will engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage (see, Buss and Shackelford for review of this research).

Aack! What married human in the world wants to read, let alone think about that grim piece of info? I know at times I loathe the reminder that this risk is part of the package I agreed to when I said I do. So, I thought, why not try to make this a bit more positive. Is it possible to find a silver lining to this cloud?

While reading the April 2010 edition of O magazine, I came across an article about surviving infidelity. The anonymous author describes herself as “The After Wife”. She goes on to state that while cheating destroys some marriages, she was shocked to discover that some marriages can actually benefit from infidelity, “because the breaking – however painful – opens the door to rebuilding something better”.

As I read the article, I was reminded of a movie that I watched recently called ” Did You Hear About The Morgans” A separated New York couple, relocated to Wyoming after witnessing a murder. As you watch the movie, you discover that they are separated because of infidelity. Both couples survived the affair and both couples did some really cool things to get past it.

First, the cheating spouse became very transparent with their partner, answering every question in detail and with complete honesty. In the O article, the author states that “the mere fact that he was willing to talk made me feel safer and more connected, reassuring me that he wasn’t placing his memory of “her” in a special little treasure box and pocketing the key”.

Secondly, neither partner stuffed any of their hurts or pains. They all gave them a voice, a physical action, and set them free so that they could heal and move past that particular set of feelings to address the next set of feelings whenever they decided to surface.

The Morgans got rid of their old apartment because it was simply too hard to forget about what happened there and move on. Also, each couple decided that they had a marriage worth saving and that they wanted to move on. They both wanted to stay on this journey called life together no matter the pain and difficulty.

I have come to believe that moving on is not stuffing things inside and hoping that one day they will go away. It is not retreating to a place of apathy and disinterest. Moving on means going through that painful circumstance, event, or misunderstanding and working at it until it does not have any more power to harm. Until you have forced it to give up all the good it is hiding and your relationship is better for having been there. Navigating the fear and pain together.

If I could have my way, this whole situation of marital infidelity would magically disappear in a world full of rainbows, laughter, and happily ever afters….oh well. You and I both know that there is no chance of that any time soon. I am, however, encouraged that people out there are starting to tell stories of hope and healing. Stories of victory in the midst of tragedy and loss.

And maybe, just maybe, we can use some of their tools for healing to heal our own relationships or even prevent this from happening to us and those we love. Maybe Tiger and Jesse can write their own stories of marriages worth saving and love worth fighting for . Here’s to hoping…..