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A Positive Spin….

I don’t know about you, but if I hear another detail about Tiger Woods’ or Jesse James’ extra marital activities, I might throw up. It really gets old.

Maybe it gets old so quickly because, it is everywhere and the statistics on infidelity are hard to ignore. According to the site Truth about Deception, it is estimated that roughly 30 to 60% of all married individuals (in the United States) will engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage (see, Buss and Shackelford for review of this research).

Aack! What married human in the world wants to read, let alone think about that grim piece of info? I know at times I loathe the reminder that this risk is part of the package I agreed to when I said I do. So, I thought, why not try to make this a bit more positive. Is it possible to find a silver lining to this cloud?

While reading the April 2010 edition of O magazine, I came across an article about surviving infidelity. The anonymous author describes herself as “The After Wife”. She goes on to state that while cheating destroys some marriages, she was shocked to discover that some marriages can actually benefit from infidelity, “because the breaking – however painful – opens the door to rebuilding something better”.

As I read the article, I was reminded of a movie that I watched recently called ” Did You Hear About The Morgans” A separated New York couple, relocated to Wyoming after witnessing a murder. As you watch the movie, you discover that they are separated because of infidelity. Both couples survived the affair and both couples did some really cool things to get past it.

First, the cheating spouse became very transparent with their partner, answering every question in detail and with complete honesty. In the O article, the author states that “the mere fact that he was willing to talk made me feel safer and more connected, reassuring me that he wasn’t placing his memory of “her” in a special little treasure box and pocketing the key”.

Secondly, neither partner stuffed any of their hurts or pains. They all gave them a voice, a physical action, and set them free so that they could heal and move past that particular set of feelings to address the next set of feelings whenever they decided to surface.

The Morgans got rid of their old apartment because it was simply too hard to forget about what happened there and move on. Also, each couple decided that they had a marriage worth saving and that they wanted to move on. They both wanted to stay on this journey called life together no matter the pain and difficulty.

I have come to believe that moving on is not stuffing things inside and hoping that one day they will go away. It is not retreating to a place of apathy and disinterest. Moving on means going through that painful circumstance, event, or misunderstanding and working at it until it does not have any more power to harm. Until you have forced it to give up all the good it is hiding and your relationship is better for having been there. Navigating the fear and pain together.

If I could have my way, this whole situation of marital infidelity would magically disappear in a world full of rainbows, laughter, and happily ever afters….oh well. You and I both know that there is no chance of that any time soon. I am, however, encouraged that people out there are starting to tell stories of hope and healing. Stories of victory in the midst of tragedy and loss.

And maybe, just maybe, we can use some of their tools for healing to heal our own relationships or even prevent this from happening to us and those we love. Maybe Tiger and Jesse can write their own stories of marriages worth saving and love worth fighting for . Here’s to hoping…..

Here is something that I believe is helpful if applied. I came across this Love and Respect book as well as the website and thought I would share it with you guys. We all face these issues no matter the race and it doesn’t matter if you are dating, getting married or married if used it can be helpful. So as you read think about it and I hope it helps.

Dr. Emerson E. Eggerichs received his B.A. in Biblical Studies and an M.A. in Communications from Wheaton College and Graduate school. He was awarded his Masters in Divinity from Dubuque Seminary. Later, he earned his Ph.D. from Michigan State University in Child and Family Ecology. Emerson was the senior pastor of East Lansing Trinity church from 1980 to 1999. He loved the pastorate in this college town with nearly 45,000 students. When he came, the church had 450 in attendance, and when he left over 2000 attended. He oversaw a paid staff of 40. He also initiated a building program, relocating Trinity Church on 70 beautiful acres in the Lansing area. That was completed in the year 2000.

Here is the secret! Emerson calls it… The Crazy Cycle.

Understand the Crazy Cycle :

THE MARRIAGE BOOK
A wife comes in for counseling.

WIFE: “Emerson, the other day I was at a book store, and the title of a book on marriage caught my eye. As I looked at the table of contents, the chapter titles fit us to a tee. I started reading and couldn’t put it down. Everything, even the illustrations were so us! So I bought it and read the whole thing in two days.”"I thought, ‘He needs to read this. But he’s busy. He doesn’t have time to read the whole thing, cover to cover.’ So, I decided to underline some key points for him to read. I also bent the top corners of some pages which were really good. Then I put the book on his TV table next to his lounge chair.

“But,” she asks, “do you know what?

“That book sat there for a whole week and he didn’t touch it.

“So, I decided to move it to the bedroom, next to his night stand. But it sat there for a week! I even checked to see if it had been moved, but it hadn’t! Dust was all over it, and no finger prints.”

EMERSON: “Let me see if I can describe some of your feelings. What you are saying is that you value the marriage. But it seems like he doesn’t value the marriage as much as you do. You want to deal with your stuff. But it seems like he doesn’t want to deal with his stuff.”

WIFE: “Those are my sentiments exactly.”

EMERSON: “Put that story on pause.”

WIFE: “What?”

EMERSON: “Put the story on mental pause. I want to come back to that.”

WIFE: “Oh, ok.”

EMERSON: “Let me tell you a different story.”

THE DIET BOOK

EMERSON: “Do you remember when you first got married?”WIFE: “Oh, yea.”

EMERSON: “Let’s pretend you got married in October. The wedding was on a beautiful Fall day. It was glorious. Hundreds of people from both families, plus all your friends. You had a huge dinner the night before. On the wedding day, you hosted a magnificent sit-down feast. Then came the honeymoon. You headed off for Europe, dining in all the best restaurants.

“Soon after you returned, it was Thanksgiving. You ate at three Thanksgiving meals: his parents, your parents, plus your own first Thanksgiving feast.

“Before you knew it, Christmas had arrived. There was a party at work, a gala at your parents, and the jubilee at his parents, not to mention the food with friends.

“Then it was New Year’s Eve. Again, there was semi gorging at your parents, and light gluttony at his parents, and then with close friends you ushered in the new year with a banquet fit for a king and queen.

“Then it happened….

EMERSON: “Around January 3rd, you got on the scale. You had put on 13 pounds over the last eight weeks.”Plus, that day you couldn’t do anything with your hair, and you felt bloated.

“Feeling semi-depressed, you unload your burden on your best friend, your husband. You say, ‘I feel fat, I feel ugly, I can’t do anything with my hair.’

“As a woman, you are doing what any normal woman would do. You are venting your negative emotions.

“Because he adores you, he listens attentively. He is full of good will toward you. He longs to help you.

“Ironically, the next day he visits the same book store in which you bought the marriage book. A new book entitled “Post Holiday Dieting for a Wife” catches his eye.

Having heard you vent about your weight gain, he buys the diet book. He even wraps it in a red ribbon, and presents it to you as a special gift.

“Suddenly, he’s at Cape Canaveral. You go ballistic. You’re in utter disbelief, shouting, ‘I can’t believe you’d do this. You’re so cruel. You’re the most insensitive human being on the planet. All of you men are alike.”

WIFE: “I’ll say. It would be just like a man to buy a present like that. They have two brains. One is lost and the other is out looking for it!”

EMERSON: “Let me see if I can describe your feelings. When he hands you the diet book, you hear three phrases coming at you. It is as though the book is screaming at you. Every wife hears these three phrases from the diet book. As a woman, you wear pink sunglasses and have pink hearing aids. Those pink lenses color what you see. Those pink hearing aids affect what you hear.

“As a woman, certain things are seen as obvious. Any normal human being – so you feel – should be able to see what you see and hear what you hear.

“So, when he hands that diet book to you, you see and hear three phrases. They shout at you. They even appear in front of your pink lenses. You hear your husband’s voice coming through the diet book.

“I do not accept you!”

“I do not approve of you!”

“I do not love you unless you look like a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader!”

WIFE: “Those are my sentiments exactly.”

EMERSON: “Take the other story off pause.”

WIFE: “What other story?”

EMERSON: “The Marriage Book Story,”

WIFE: “Oh, yea.”


THE MARRIAGE BOOK (PART 2)


EMERSON: “Remember when you brought the marriage book home and put it on the TV stand?”

WIFE: “Uh, hum.”

EMERSON: “He saw it. He’s not dumb, contrary to popular belief. And remember when you sat it on the night stand by his bed?”

WIFE: “Uh, hum.”

EMERSON: “He saw it. He’s not as dumb as he looks. And remember when you moved it to the bathroom?”

WIFE: “Uh, hum.”

EMERSON: “He saw it. He wears blue sun glasses and has blue hearing aids. When he saw that book, it began to scream at him, like the Diet book screamed at you.

“I do not accept you.”

“I do not approve of you.”

“I do not respect you, Buster, unless you change right now.”

She got the point, as most wives do. Husbands also get the point about love.

I then said to her, “These two stories illustrate the secret that cracks the communication code between you and your husband.”

I then asked her, “Do you want to know this secret?” As with most wives, and husbands, the answer was a strong, “Yes!”

Let me share the simple secret with you.




In the Diet Book story, why did the wife feel the way she did?

I believe Love is her deepest need from her husband. Right or wrong, she interprets events through her pink sunglasses. The root issue was the feeling that he did not approve of her and accept her, and thus did not love her for who she was. The diet book symbolized lack of love.

In the Marriage Book story, why did the husband feel the way he did?
I believe Respect is his deepest need from his wife. Right or wrong, he interprets events through his blues sunglasses. The root issue was the feeling that she did not approve of him and accept him, and thus did not respect him for who he was. The Marriage book symbolized that to him.

This now leads me to share with you the secret that I discovered!

The secret to the communication code is this:
1. Love is her deepest need and respect is his deepest need. I believe this based on the Bible.

Ephesians 5:33 “Nevertheless let each individual among you also love his own wife even as himself; and let the wife see to it that she respect her husband.”

In other words, a wife needs to feel love and a husband needs to feel respect.

Consequently…

2. Without love she reacts without respect, and without respect he reacts without love.

There is a love and respect connection.

Lets begin with the wife.

As we just said, when a wife feels unloved, she reacts.

Without Love She Reacts
Let me say it this way, a wife needs love like she needs air to breathe. When a husband stands on her air hose, she will react.

She will not flat line it on the emotional heart monitor. Wives tend to be expressive and responsive. She tends to express herself verbally, negatively and critically when the diet book is handed to her. This is why some people say, “When mama ain’t happy, nooooobody is happy.” When she feels unloved, she tends to react verbally.

But here’s the love and respect connection for the wife.





Without love, she reacts without respect.

Did you catch this in the diet book story?

The message she is trying to communicate when receiving the diet book is, “I don’t feel loved by you right now. I don’t feel you love me for who I am. I feel like I need to be a Dallas Cheerleader before you’ll love me.”

Her code in her negative reaction is, “I don’t feel loved by you.” But most husbands don’t decode that code!

Her reaction can be so verbal, negative and critical that her husband doesn’t hear her message. Instead, to her husband, she can come across as disrespectful.

He hears her saying to him, “I don’t respect you for giving me that diet book. I don’t respect you for who you are. You’re a big jerk.”

Now, if the husband has good will in giving her the diet book, this hurts him. He feels his character is assassinated.

But focusing on the wife, without love a wife can defensively react when handed the diet book. From her pink sunglasses view, he is sending a message of disapproval of who she is as a human being. But her defensive reaction can come across as disrespectful to him. Her defensive reaction can be offensive! In other words, when a husband stands on her air hose, she can push him off. However, after she pushes him off, she can accidentally step on his air hose. But she doesn’t see herself standing on his air hose. She doesn’t decode how she is coming across to him! Her focus is so much on feeling disapproved and unloved, she does not pay attention to her disrespectful attitude.

Let’s turn our attention toward the husband.

As is true for the wife, so it holds true for the husband. In his case, when a husband feels disrespected, he reacts.

As we said earlier, when a husband feels disrespected, he reacts.

Without Respect, He Reacts.
A husband needs respect like he needs air to breathe. When a wife steps on his air hose, he will react.

He will not flat line it on the emotional heart monitor. Husbands, though, tend to compartmentalize their feelings. He can stonewall. He remains silent around the marriage book sitting next to his lounge chair. This is why some wives say, “My husband is a mysterious island. I am forever paddling around him but he does not permit me to land.”

When he feels disrespected, he tends to react by withdrawing into silence.

But here’s the love and respect connection for the husband.

Without Respect He Reacts Without Love

Did you catch this for The Marriage Book story?




he message he is trying to communicate when receiving the marriage book is, “I don’t feel respected by you right now. I don’t feel you respect me for who I am. I feel you are crusading against me, to change me. I’m never good enough for you.”

His code in his negative reaction is, “I don’t feel respected by you.” But most wives don’t decode that code!

His reaction can be too non-verbal. Most people who stonewall are men. Men can go silent. He can emotionally disengage from her. He can disconnect. When feeling disrespected, he can get angry, but in this case of the marriage book, he ignores the book and her.

When a husband neglects that which a wife values, his wife doesn’t hear his message of “I don’t feel respected by you right now.” Instead, she hears, “I don’t love you. I don’t care about our marriage nor you. I refuse to read the marriage book so we can talk about it and improve our relationship.”

Now, if a wife has good will in giving the marriage book, this hurts her deeply. She wants to deal with her stuff. She isn’t trying to put her husband down. So, if the husband refuses to engage her on the topic of their marriage, she can feel wounded in her spirit.

But focusing on the husband, without respect he can defensively react when handed the marriage book. From his blue sunglasses view, she is sending a message of disapproval of who he is as a human being. But his defensive reaction can come across as unloving to her. His defensive reaction can be offensive! In other words, when a wife stands on his air hose, he can push her off. However, after he pushes her off, he can accidentally step on her air hose. But he doesn’t see himself standing on her air hose. He doesn’t decode how he is coming across to her! His focus is so much on feeling disapproved and disrespected for who he is, he does not pay attention to his unloving attitude.

So, when it is all put together we discover the secret that cracks the communication code.

Without love she reacts without respect, and without respect he reacts without love.

I call this the Crazy Cycle because this can spin. It tends to trigger itself. When the wife feels even more unloved, she reacts even more. Or, when the husband feels even more disrespected, he reacts even more. This ignites a greater reaction in each.

Things get crazy!

Marital craziness is when we keep doing the same thing over and over. The topics change but the crazy cycle continues. Unless couples discover the secret that cracks the communication code, and learn how to get off the Crazy Cycle, things tend to stay a bit crazy! And it really gets crazy when a husband tells his wife, “Oh, stop feeling this way.” Or, a wife says to her husband, “Oh, stop feeling this way.”

Say, have you ever gotten on the Crazy Cycle? Want to get off? That’s what the Love and Respect message is designed to do: Help you get off the Crazy Cycle. All of us get on it at various levels – whether we have a good or poor marriage.

This web site is here to enlighten, encourage and enable you related to getting off the Crazy Cycle.

We care for you and your relationship. You matter to us. We hope we’ve made sense to you. If we have, permit us to serve you even more. Please browse the Love and Respect site. Consider what is available to you.

By the way, many who read about the Crazy Cycle express, “That makes perfect sense. Why didn’t I see this before?”

But beyond that question, other questions begin to surface. Did any of the following questions arise in your mind and heart?

* Are You Sure Love and Respect Are the Chief Values?
* But Why Do We Hear More About Love in Marriage Than Respect?
* But Isn’t the Opposite True: Gals Need Respect and Guys Need Love?
* But Doesn’t Everybody Agree That Love Is the Better Value for Marriage?
* But Don’t Some Wives Feel Uncomfortable Showing Respect to a Husband?
* What If A Husband Doesn’t Deserve Respect?
* What If My Spouse Admitted There Was No Love or Respect?
* Frankly, I Hold My Spouse Mostly Responsible, So Who Moves First?
* What if I Choose To Act On This and It Doesn’t Work?
* Isn’t This Too Simplistic Since So Many Other Problems Exist?
* What Else Should We Know About These Values?

If you are interested in the answers to these frequently asked questions, the Love and Respect site is designed to respond to these excellent concerns. Welcome!

Photo from fOTOGLIF

Let’s talk…

We all know how important communication is to a marriage.  Many say that without it, a marriage is doomed to fail.  But if you are anything like me, sometimes talking to your spouse can feel like pushing a semi up a mountain.   Impossible!

One of the best ways to facilitate communication is in a low pressure environment.  A place where you are both having fun and relaxed. Like watching the kids play in the park, shopping, reading the paper together, etc. 

This is why your after “smushing” (to take a line from MTV’s Jersey Shore) conversations can be so productive if you both can stay awake that long.  When the pressure is off, you will  feel more confident and comfortable telling your partner how you really feel.  And they will be more likely to do the same.

Communication will probably never be easy, but we can all learn how to do things a little different and make it a bit easier on our spouse or ourselves to open up and share.  So go walk your dog or play some frisbee golf

.

You may just get some exercise, but you might walk away with a stronger marriage.