mixedandhappy.com

Rough waters are inevitable.  They come when we least expect them, when we are unprepared and often when we are at our weakest.  It is very important how we handle the rough waters in our lives and relationships. 

I just wanted to take a little time today to encourage those of you who are struggling and hurting, whether in your relationships or personally.  When the storm rages and everything seems so crazy, we all have a choice.  Will we give up and seek to find comfort?  Will we keep going and refuse to give up until we get to the other side and our rough waters run still and calm again? 

I hope that you all will be reminded that the only way out is through!

I am fully aware that some of you ladies laughed out loud when you read that title.   You are saying to yourself that it is absolutely impossible that the same  man who burps loudly at the dinner table, regularly forgets your anniversary, and asks you to buy your own birthday present is secretly wishing that you would plan a romantic evening for him.  It is not only possible, but very probable that most husbands would love to be romanced by their wife every once in a while!

Picture this.  Two friends are sitting on the couch catching up.  One friend  informs the other that her husband recently whisked her away on a romantic getaway to celebrate their wedding anniversary.  She went on to explain that while she was impressed with his effort and thoroughly enjoyed the trip, she was kind of out-of-touch in the romance department.  

The responsibilities of marriage and raising an infant had changed everything for her.  While romance used to be so important before marriage, it was now in the not-so-important category in her life.  But it was not the same for her man.  The hubby in our story obviously wanted a romantic weekend with his wife or he would not have gone to all the trouble to whisk her away, baby and all. 

As I was researching this topic, I found quite a few articles  and books  instructing wives how to romance their husbands.  I also must confess that I own a book called “Romancing Your Husband”  by Debra White Smith.  It is a funny but challenging book that details different ways you can increase the sizzle in your marriage.  So if you are at a loss for where to begin to romance your baby, take heart.  There are lots of resources out there for us clueless ladies.

For those of you ladies that want to start tonight to romance your husband, here are some tips to get you started.  Surprise your husband with something that he loves and you never buy for him.  Get him the latest edition of his favorite magazine or buy him tickets to see his favorite team play. 

Surprise your man with his favorite meal.  Have it hot and ready when he comes home from work or the gym.  Give him a massage while you watch T.V. tonight.  Or if you really want to go all out, offer to give him a manicure or a pedicure.  Your man may not go for the clear polish to top it off, but odds are he will enjoy the extra attention and the foot massage.

Put a romantic letter inside his laptop or his favorite book.  Words may not be his thing, but I am sure he will feel special that you were thinking of him and wanted him to know all about it.  You can also agree to go do something with him that he loves and well, you do not love.  The key to this little romantic outing is enjoying yourself even if you are at a comic book show or picking out some nice, juicy worms for an afternoon of fishing.

It is never too late or too early to start romancing your husband.  And funny thing is, the experts all agree that if we do it for our men, they feel more comfortable giving it a go for us as well.  That is definitely a team win!

After almost seven years together, my husband and I had another first  last weekend.  I know what you are thinking. “How many firsts are left after 7 years of marriage”? Apparently, quite a few.  So what was our first you ask?  We went to our first marriage conference. 

It was his idea but I was more than willing to go along.  I didn’t know what to expect, so I just decided I wouldn’t expect anything. Let’s just say it far exceeded my expectations. 

The conference was called “The Passion of the Christ in the Heart of a Marriage” and was conducted by Jeff and Debby McElroy, founders of Forever Families.   Their desire was to ”take couples through a thought-provoking, inspirational, and challenging look at the amazing similarities between the last days of Christ and the stages of a lasting marriage.  From the vow in the garden to the resurrection from hopelessness, couples will see that the way to intimate love isn’t around sacrifice but through it.”

Sometime during the first night, they gave us a vital signs checklist.  This checklist is a diagnostic tool of sorts to see if your relationship is strong or struggling.  While it is not definitive in any way, it is an excellent indicator of  which way your relationship is leaning and how you are currently functioning in six different areas.  The checklist is as follows:

Communication  – Do you talk about the logistics of life or do you share your lives?

A struggling relationship communicates primarily about the logistics of life.  This couple mainly communicates about who will be where and do what when.  We all know that  this kind of communication is part of every relationship, but a strong couple does not stop communication with logistics.  A strong couple also makes plenty of time to share about life.  They regularly have those late night conversations about hopes and dreams, pains of the day, and the deeper things of life.  

Conflict – Do you avoid conflict or do you handle it creatively?

A struggling couple tends to avoid conflict completely.  They have resigned themselves that the problems of their relationship are not fixable, so why bother discussing them.  While a strong couple embraces relational conflict and has learned to handle it creatively.  They take ten minute timeouts, argue their partner”s side, or use code words that indicate “talk about it later”.  They realize conflict is healthy and a sign of life.

Intimacy – Do you need others around or can you enjoy the silences?

A struggling couple always needs to have other people around.  They are so uncomfortable around each other that they need other people so that they can have fun.  Whereas a strong couple can be peaceful together and be comfortable with silence.  This couple does not have to fill every silence with noise or activity but can just enjoy being together in the quiet times life offers. 

Finances – Do you or your partner selfishly control or do you share financial decisions?

In a struggling relationship, one partner selfishly controls all financial decisions.  They might forget to tell you about purchases or lie by omission when asked a financial question.  They may force their partner to ask for every cent they get out of a shared account.  Whatever the method, the result is always to the benefit of one partner.  Strong couples share financial decisions.  They decide together whether to have  individual accounts or joint accounts.  They will talk and agree how to pay bills and who will pay them.  They discuss and agree on most if not all purchases they make. 

Teamwork – Do you compete for an individual win or do you go for the team win?

A struggling couple wants to be right more than they want the best for their partner.  A strong couple is always working for the marriage to win.  This is such a rich topic, I have decided to share much more about this topic later in the week. 

Spirituality – Are you spiritually busy or spiritually close?  Do you look for your fulfillment from your partner or do you find your fulfillment from God?

A struggling couple will look to their spouse to meet all of their needs and be their entire source of happiness.  A strong couple knows that happiness is a personal journey not the responsibility of  another. 

I know that as my husband and I put our marriage into the categories mentioned above, we found more than one area that needed some work.  Oddly enough, it was more encouraging rather than discouraging.  We could talk together and decide which area to work on first and we had a new goal to move towards.  It didn’t mean we needed to give up, more that we could work a little harder/smarter and get a better result. 

How are your relationships?  Do they lean toward strong or struggling? Do you have areas to improve or are you excited? Maybe this tool confirmed that you have a strong, thriving relationship.  If so, fabulous! 

Whatever your personal results, please know that a relationship is never over until you stop working on it.  We can always choose to pick an aspect of our relationship and start working to do a bit better.  I know that I am doing just that and I hope you will too.

If we are honest with ourselves, we have all experienced the emotion of jealousy at some point during our dating relationships and quite possibly even in our marriages. 

According to Wikipedia , the word stems from the French jalousie, formed from jaloux (jealous), and further from Low Latin zelosus (full of zeal), in turn from the Greek word ????? (z?los), sometimes “jealousy”, but more often in a positive sense “emulation, ardour, zeal” [11][12] (with a root connoting “to boil, ferment“; or “yeast”).  Fermenting ardour.  Wow.

Science has already proven that the experience of negative emotion in social interactions can have a profound effect on our mental and physical health.  One of my new favorite websites, Science Daily  just released an article stating that jealousy is actually blinding.

A new study by two University of Delaware psychology professors,  found that ladies who were made to feel jealous were so distracted by these negative emotional images they became unable to spot targets they were trying to find.  They named this occurrence “emotion induced blindness”.

If the participants in the study were unable to see certain objects because they were so distracted by the emotions of jealousy, what else could we be missing if we allow jealousy to be a part of our lives and relationships?  I don’t know about you, but blindness is not very appealing to me on several levels. 

So when this ugly little monster comes creeping into my thoughts trying to find expression in my life, I have yet another good reason to deny her entrance and keep on moving with confidence.